Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
