i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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