she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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