Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
