I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
