when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
