This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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