i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
