He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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