My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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