The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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