if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
