How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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