You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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