Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize