I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
