Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
