dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize