Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
