She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize