Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
