I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
