you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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