I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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