He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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