mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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