I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
