If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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