I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
