so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
