??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
