uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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