im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
