Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize