I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
