I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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