i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
