im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
