no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
