A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
