On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
