That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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