normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
