OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
