I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
