bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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