yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
