my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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