Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
