Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
