So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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