So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
