I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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