I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
