Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
