you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
